the words on the tip of my tongue|
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|Wednesday, May 17th, 2006|
not until this year did I actually feel stupid for the first time. I feel today as if I'm not good enough to be in the classes I'm in. Not until this very day have I ever felt like I really couldn't do something, no matter how hard I tried. studying for over 3 hours and still getting a 66% does not seem right for someone who is supposed to be around the top of my class. I feel stupid around the kids in my class, and I sometimes wonder why I even bother trying so hard. Even my best subjects are mediocre compared to the kids around me, and I feel like a fraud, if that makes any sense without sounding too melodramatic. I'm not trying to whine or ask for sympathy. I'm jsut stating a fact. of how I feel. at this time. I used to never even doubt my going to college, now I wonder how likely I am to get into one, and as much as I try it seems like such a waste if I don't.
I want to disappear for alittle while. Not think about anyone else, or what they need, or want from me. and just answer to me.
and now I feel like everyone thinks I'm over exaggerating, and if you do, please don't tell me so. thanks.
|Saturday, May 13th, 2006|
you know what?
last night was so good, I'm breaking my cycle of not making livejournal posts.
Nikki and I went to North Broward to see RJ's new band play. They did a cover of Walking On Sunshine, it was pretty cool, we had fun dancing to it. Ali, and Becca, and Elana, and the whole plantation group was there.
from there all I'm going to say is the all american rejects are amazing, and matt and nick are awesome. and aaron is like my savior!!!! ah I owe him so big.
I had a good time, and I haven't had a night like that in awhile.
|Thursday, May 11th, 2006|
|Wednesday, March 29th, 2006|
Ages praised for innocence and free spirit
but we're all scraping through at best
You all exhibit naivety to memory it seems
have you forgotten? or was it just not the same?
Courses changed, set by those tall in stature, but small in thought
for we all belong to clenched teeth and bit tongues in silence
from deleterious ways which we are forced to brave
You will promise us guidance, and answers
but leave us swallowed in your own standards
Praise us for being sui generis
however, defining the ideal paragon
Teach writing and prose, teach art and musical theory
but play martyr and saint to creativity
Claim all the credit you deserve for rearing such an accomplished child
All in the span of one year
but lay nothing on their natural intellect
Why may I ask are you where you are, and they in their place?
for you're making us crazy with self doubt and unesscary tension
I am bright, I am witty, I am spontaneous and spirited
Therefore, I do not need to pretend I’m a prodigy Current Mood: aggravated
|Saturday, February 11th, 2006|
you know, nikki's latest lj post has inspired me. most of the things she has been feelikng guilty about go for me too with of course a few adjustments. but still, the kid at lunch, I feel like crap about, that was really jerky. I mean he dosne't seem to have that many friends and it might make a big difference to him if we're nice to him, and us, we're not losing anything. So why not just be nice to him and make him feel welcome? I can't exactly say we were mean, but we didn't go out of our way to be nice either, and that was jerky. And most of the other stuff she mentioned too.
also I've been thinking like, there's alot of things I'd like to do for myself that I just sit around and think about doing, but I never do. For example: I think I want to get back into the piano. I was at Sam Ash today and I was kind of sitting there playing and this woman came up to me and said that I should never stop playing because I'll regret it, and it's a really nice thing to know how to play music. She said she used to play when she was little and then she stopped and now she's trying to get back into it. She then showed me this book that she was buying. It was like a teach-yourself kind of book. She was asking me some questions and I could help her. And it made me feel smart, like I actually knew something that takes skill to learn and I could help other people learn it. It sounds kind of dumb, but it was nice.
Another thing is I want to learn more about what's going on in the world. In school we've been learning about the genocide in rwanda in 1994, and the stuff going on now in darfur. I read up alot on it for the oprah essay contest and so I knew alot about it when we watched "Hotel Rwanda" in school the other day, (that's a really good movie by the way, everyone should see it). The movie is kind of hard to follow, and most people were confused, like I was the first time I saw it, and so I got to try and help other people understand it better, and that's just another thing I like being able to do. I just hope I dind't come across as like an annoying know it all or what ever. but yea, this teacher in our school is trying to start a highschool chapter of this organization where collge kids try and help in darfur, and I think I'm going to ask her if I can help run it and stuff. I'd really like to do taht, if I can get over being lazy and not wanting to work for anything.
The third big thing I want to do is work on expanding my vocabulary. I don't like when people use words that I only vaguely have heard of and I don't really understand what they're saying. and also the bigger your vocabulary is, the smarter you sound, and I guess I just think it's a nice thing to have.
anyway, I guess those are just some things I'm going to try and work on over the next few months, and posting it here so that everyone knows will hopefully give me more incentive and/or motivation to do them.
|Thursday, February 9th, 2006|
oh yeah, that's why I don't do shit like that. I forgot.
|Thursday, January 26th, 2006|
|naivety is my middle name.
haha it's good, I'm good. school sucks. I know. I hate it. It's over whelming. and yes,. I cried at school the other day. I'm losing my mind. oh yes. haha. why do I do it? I ask. I don't know. don't know, don't care. that's it. that's all there is to it. You might think it's stupid, but I know just what I'm doing. ... but not in chemistry. there I have no clue what I'm doing. no clue. or why. so yea. that's about it. la la la. what's up with you all? Current Mood: bouncy
|Monday, January 16th, 2006|
|Monday, January 9th, 2006|
|Just The Girl
things that make me happy:
3. listening to loud fun music and dancing around my room
4. taking pictures
5. playing in the rain
6. meeting new people
7. eating cake fresh out of the oven
8. putting on pajams fresh out of the dryer
9. waking up to my alarm and remembering that it's saturday and going back to sleep
10. having friends stop by just to say hello
11. flipping through the channels and finding a movie I love on
12. getting ready to go out and for some reason that day feeling like I look really nice
13. listening to the click five =X
14. playing the piano when no one is home
15. being home alone and singing really really loud
16. having someone confide in me because they trust me
17. watching old disney channel shows
18. eating my grandmother's pancakes
19. looking at old pictures
20. hugs Current Mood: crazy
|Friday, December 30th, 2005|
I love honesty, becuase sometimes the truth hurts, but once it's all out in the open, there's nothing to be afraid of.
<3 becci Current Mood: settled
|Wednesday, December 21st, 2005|
okay, so yesterday was quite an interesting day, although I spent literally all of it traveling.
Well, our flight, which was supposed to take off at 1, was delayed until 4. So we take off and land for a 3 hour ;ay over in Detroit. Then once we got on the plane, my mom and dad and I had seats in different parts of the plane. SO I got seated near the front of plane in the middle seat. As I sat and waited to see who I would be sitting with, the two very cute boys who I'd seen earlier came walking down the isle, but of course they sat in...the row behind me. Then along comes this like scrawny dirty looking red headed guy with a plaid jacket, and he syas in his loud country hick accent, oh here's my seat. Then a blonde college girl was seated on the other side of me. But of course, this country hick guy ahd to be a very DRUNK country hick guy. So he began asking the other girl and I questions and telling us he was having alot of fun, he told us all about his fmaily, and all the different drinks he'd had that day, and he bought another on while we were on the plane. He finished off the flight with excessive/loud/obnoxious giggling and attempts at singing christmas carols. I think the best was when he laughed for ever at something the college girl said and then told us about how his 102 year old grandmother dosen't remember him by saying "I mean you've known me all of what? 20 min? and you have to admit I leave an impression." ;p, haha so it was a very funn flight to say the least. But yea so then we got there and had to drive 45 minutes from the buffalo airport to Westfield, not counting all the traffic we ran into. So we didnt get in until 1 am.
Today I woak up late and laxed around, we went to the drug store and the video store, and then I played around in the snow with the cat. It's too fluffy for snowmen though =(.
So far Steve and Nikki are the only ones who have called me. pfft. ;p
I hope everyone's having a good christmas break.
<3 becci Current Mood: bored
|Sunday, December 11th, 2005|
yeah, so today I went christmas shopping, and didn't buy anyone a damn thing ;P lol. I couldn't find anything good for anyone except for robert, who was there and told me what to get so that dosen't count. He and I are celebrating chrismukkah together ;p haha. It's cute. Ummmm, I guess since you all get mad when I don't tell you things, robert and I are going out now, lol. I guess it may seem weird since I haven't known him that long and all, but I feel like I've known him longer than I have, like I can't explain it, I just feel really comfortable with him, like I can just be myself and he won't think I'm weird. It's nice, I like it. So yeah..lol. I don't know, he's really cool, lol I just thought you all should know all that ;p.
Livejournal has like died =(. I kinda miss it.
lol well anyway, just a little update there ;P
<3 becci Current Mood: thrilled
|Thursday, December 1st, 2005|
I'm going to NY for chirstmas. Sounds fun right? how about when I add the fact that I'm gonna be on a farm? yup, just like last year.
there's too much stuff going on right now, make it stop!
<3 becci Current Mood: fed up
|Sunday, November 27th, 2005|
|dedicated to nick!
Last night I got in a huge fight with my parents, I swear if there had been a gun I would have used not sure on who. jk jk! but yea it sucked. Then today rhob, michael, and steve came over and we jsut hung out on the driveway all day. Played HORSE (I won by the way ;P).
Sorry if you're getting annoyed with all my picture post, but I take alot of pictures so...here ;P( DANCE!_ugh_don't_you_ever_throw_ice_at_me_again.Collapse ) Current Mood: amused
|Saturday, November 26th, 2005|
Today was awesome. I went to the mall with Nikki, Rhob, and Michael. And I gave Rhob his awesome pink "stop the violence" bracelet and he totally loved it. We all hung out and then later on alex and rhob and michael's friend steve came. It was a fun night. And then rhob got mad at me because I'm a bitch, I'm really sorry <3. But I think we're okay now, hopefully. There was alot of fun things though, like the ice fight, and all michael and I's attempts to get a good picture, and all rhob's presents for me and nikki, michael like attacking me and taking my coloring book! ugh and throwing it in the trash. fun fun.( I_LOVE_MY_HELLOKITTY_PICTURE!Collapse ) Current Mood: tired
|Saturday, November 19th, 2005|
harry potter was freaking awesome, and rhob's coming for thanksgiving! and rj's party is tonight! yayyyy.
<3 becci Current Mood: excited
|Thursday, November 10th, 2005|
|isn't this exactly where you'd like me, I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
This week kinda sucked, but today was alright. I came home from school and went to the park with Joey, andres, and JW. Then we went to the movies and I saw some people there. It was just a night to chill with some friends, but I really think that's what I needed. With all that's been going on I feel like every one else has been off doing fun and exciting things while I sit at home. But tonight I got to go out and have a good time. But in the middle of the movie, it hit me, what i have to do tomorrow. Tomorrow is not going to be easy, and it's not going to be fun. But I need to be thankful for alot of things, and do the best I can.
I'm just starting to feel like everyone else is living in color again.
(k, done being self centered and dramatic)
"I'm gonna feel sorry for myself I want to blame it on everyone else I want to be self centered And make everybody feel sorry for me"
---bowling for soup
<3 becci Current Mood: drained
|Monday, November 7th, 2005|
things are not the best that they could be right now.
Marcia passed away early this morning.
things are gonna be alittle tough for the next few days.
just thought I'd fill you all in as to why I might be alittle off here lately.
do this and make me smile ;P
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad. I promise not to come after you with a spatula, either way.
When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.
<3 becci Current Mood: sad
|Thursday, November 3rd, 2005|
since I can't use the scrapbook setting on this new lj thing since i'm not a *says in snoody voice* "paid member", I'll make my own damnit!
this is going to be the longest picture post everrr, if you view the whole thing I'm gonna be very proud of you
these are some of my favorite pictures, in no particular order, just the order I found them in.( oh_don't_you_be_a_passerby_oh_won't_you_sit_down_and_stay_a_whileCollapse ) Current Mood: nostalgic
|Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005|
|oh the trouble we could get in
Today was cool, I went to the park with the kids from "the hub" ;P. They need to get ljs haha. But yea, it was cool, danny was playing my acoustic guitar all day, and joey and his friend eric were lighting things on fire with JW, and andres was taking emo pictures while layne and I laughed at them all ;P.
It's so weird how nikki and I just went up to them and now we're hanging out and everything. Then there's Peter, who I met in the same fashion, who just faded off. I guess he's just the kind of person who can just walk away unscathed like no bond was ever formed. I just find it weird that he came to my house, came in my room, layed on my bed, watched my movie, and then just walks away, forgets the whole thing. 20 years from now it won't matter, but right now it's in the forefront. ( It's_Like_A_Music_VideoCollapse ) Current Mood: grateful